Understanding
by scrambled-eggs-at-midnight
Summary: A deathshipping monologue, as told by Marik. Rated K . Companion fic to "Someone."


**A/N: Hello.**

**First of all, I'd just like to curse my computer. Damn it to hell. Stab it with a pitchfork. Soak it in gasoline and dip it in flames.**

**Thank you.**

**Because my deathshipping fic, "Someone," (as told by Ryou) went over so well, I've decided to write another one, but from the point of view of our lovely friend Marik. This one was actually a lot harder to write, for some reason, and it came out a bit longer than the last one, but I hope you enjoy anyway. ^^**

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**Are you waiting for something?**

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**Oh, yeah, disclaimer. Marik, will you help me?**

**Marik: *grumbles* Eggy doesn't own any of this shit, except for the stuff that came out of her demented brain. Now, scat.**

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Most people tell me I'm not good enough for him. They tell me I'm too crazy, too psychotic, too uncaring. They tell me I'm not enough to make him happy.

They're absolutely right.

I'm not the person you'd expect to love anyone. I'm certainly not the person you'd expect to be loved. It's not how I was created. I was born out of rage and hate and pain. I've killed more people than I can count, and to this day I can't make myself feel remorse for that. The simplest acts of kindness are hard for me to grasp, the tiniest signs of weakness disgust me.

Unless, of course, he's involved. I guess I'm just a hypocrite like that.

I don't understand happiness. I almost don't want to. For some reason, I feel that if I know what it is, it will go away. Don't ask me why. I wouldn't be able to tell you, and that in itself scares me. I hate not knowing things like that. It makes me feel exposed, open, like something just waiting to be beaten down. I hate being beaten, too.

That's another way we're different. While he doesn't relish defeat, (human beings rarely do,) he's able to accept it with a sort of grim satisfaction that he at least tried. I think he gets some of it from the Pharaoh's brat. It's more than I can say about myself, though. I'm a very sore loser.

And you know what else I don't understand about him? His inability to react. I swear, sometimes, he terrifies me with his calm smile and his apparent acceptance of everything that goes wrong. Like the last time he fought with Bakura. I won't go into details, but that thief said some nasty things that even I would have had a hard time coming up with. And the entire time, Ryou stayed calm. He didn't yell back, he didn't rise to the bait, he just sat there and took it in until Bakura ran out of steam and left to go rob a grocery store or something. No one knew what they were arguing about, but we all thought it was rather funny at the time.

The next time I saw Ryou, though, he was sitting on his bed, staring at the wall. I don't think I'll ever, ever forget the look in his eyes when he turned to me. It was a look of defeat, a look that showed exactly what he was thinking, a look that bore no resemblance to the mask of happiness he usually wore.

I found out what he and Bakura had been fighting about that day. Apparently, the thief didn't think I cared enough about Ryou. That was okay. I had known that already. _No one_ thinks I care enough about Ryou, except maybe Malik, and that's only because he can tell what I'm thinking with a single glace. It comes from having once shared a mind. That's not what bothered me the most, though. Or the fact that Ryou believed him.

What bothered me the most was that he hadn't left me yet.

I also found out what Ryou's biggest, deepest, darkest fear was.

Being alone.

That one came as a shock. Ryou doesn't like talking about himself. It's always about what you did, or how someone else was feeling. Never what's on his mind. But that day, I knew that Ryou wasn't as selfless as he makes everyone else believe. Sure, he tries to do things for others, but it's more out of guilt than anything else. He thinks he's caused enough trouble for everyone else without putting his problems on them.

That day, listening to him talk, listening to him confess things I'm sure he had never told another human being in his life, the only thing I wanted to do was hold on to him, keep him safe, never let him go.

It was the weirdest experience of my life.

I didn't understand it, either.

I guess there are a lot of things I don't understand. Especially when it comes to people. I don't understand why the thief hides his emotions under a mask of indifference, shielding himself from all the people who want to help him. I don't understand how Malik manages to look at the Pharaoh every day of his life, see the man he once swore to kill, the man he spent his entire life blaming his problems on. I don't understand why I'm here instead of in the shadow realm, banished, in a sense, by my own hand.

And I don't understand why Ryou puts up with any of us.

Any problem we have, we go to him. He keeps Bakura from being arrested at least twice a week. He fixes Malik's emotional breakdowns and the problems he has with his family. He helps me learn the way the world works.

Who helps him?

Sure, _we_ try, but is it really enough? His dead mother and sister are a constant burden on his mind, his apathetic father never far from his concern. It's like his problems outweigh the good things in life. I'm told it didn't used to bother him as much, but I wouldn't know, because I wasn't here for most of his life.

It makes me wonder.

I think I asked Bakura about it once.

"Ryou's probably the strangest human being I've ever met," he said. "You can't get him to _tell_ you what he wants for the world, but if you're around him long enough, or, say, share a mind with him, you learn to pick up on the little things he does."

I asked him what he meant, and he grinned. "Like when he frowns. He gets this look on his face like, 'I really don't like this at all, but I'm not going to say anything because it's not my business.'" Bakura rolled his eyes. "Even when it is his business. Don't you think that if someone steals your toaster it automatically becomes your business?_ I_ certainly do."

It's a strange thing, talking to Bakura.

I guess learning all this stuff comes with living. I've only been around for, what, ten years? I haven't really had enough time to become a master of psychology. All I know is that I need only one thing, and that's Ryou. I could get by without anyone else, but take him away from me and I'll probably kill you. People have described us as opposites that attract. I say that's bullshit. People have personalities, not polarities. We have no idea what happened between us. I personally don't care. I live in the moment, and right now, he's my moment. That's good enough for me.

Maybe it is for him, too.

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**Huzzah. Sap. Anyhoodle, thanks for reading. I'm so glad you guys put up with these little fic-lets. They're so very helpful to me.**

**Make sure to review!**

**Love forever and ever, because you guys are the bestest readers in the entire world,**


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